A Charitable Deduction
by Randolph O. Mann
‘Our Kate And Edith Too’
Randy was reassuring. “Just relax, William. I have this wired for sound.”
William wasn't reassured. “I don’t know Randy, ‘Mister Ranger’ isn’t going to like this.”
“I know that, Boo Boo, just take it easy. What Mister Ranger doesn’t know won’t hurt us. Anyway I am smarter that the average ‘bare,’ remember?”
“All kidding aside Randy, this might be too fast of a rebound for us. After all, these guys got really pissed last year when the rumors of sandbagging were bandied about. I was very jumpy for three months, every time I came back into this bar. The bouncers looked at me funny and I had to order shots to keep the bartenders from short-pouring my drinks. I am really serious, if this ‘watering hole’ didn’t have the easiest erotic dancers in town I don’t think I would have ever returned. I feel like we might be getting set-up.”
“The sandbagging allegations were never proven. A set-up? You think these guys have the brains to put one over on ‘The Old Randy Mann’? Maybe we should just ask Shipping and Receiving to double the bet then. If you think these guys are so smart and everyone truly believes we can not win this contest two years running then I suggest we raise the stakes. What do you say, double it?”
“Randy, don’t be like that. We both know I have been very privileged just for the opportunity to watch The Master in action, but I feel like we might be working too close to the edge and without a net.”
“Exactly, that is what keeps the Shipping and Receiving Department coming back for more abuse. They said I couldn’t expose all eight of those runway models either, and how much did that cost your boys in South Campus? I am the Evil Knievel of T. Winston INC and this wet t-shirt contest is my Caesar’s Palace Fountain.”
“My point exactly. Knievel almost died at Caesar’s”
“Ok bad analogy, but these guys won’t even know what hit them, because I have a secret weapon, actually four of them, and here they are! Good evening ladies, may I introduce my good friend William. William, this is Edith and Katherine, the Webster twins. Ladies, can you please open your raincoats and show ‘Sweet William' our ‘war chests’?”
William said, “I am very impressed, and honored to make your acquaintance, ladies.”
Edith replied, “We’re charmed, I’m sure.”
Randy got the scheme back on track. “Ladies, here are the T. Winston INC T-shirts I promised for the contest. You two can change in the ladies' potty over there, and keep in mind girls, no foundation garments! They’re against the rules. Edie, remember to soak your T-shirt before you slip it on, just like we talked about. While you ladies are powdering your noses and making final costume adjustments I will get everyone drinks and bring William up to speed on this little ruse…”
William stared at the women as they walked away. He exclaimed, “Damn, Randy. They are identical! Where did you find them.”
“In Accounting, they’re seasonal temps only working through the summer. But they are not really identical, which is the best part.”
“You could fool me. Those two are a walking, talking, breathing sexual fantasy I have been burdened with since puberty. They both even share the same shaped mole on their neck. It is uncanny, truly scary. Does Playboy magazine know about these two?”
“Good point. I should look into that… Hey, bartender two drafts and two Appletini’s, make them doubles...don’t complain, William. If a fade-cocktail will loosen up the girls we must just absorb the costs and write it off as a business expense at year’s end.”
“Randy, this makes no sense, one pretty girl or two pretty girls, there is only one winner and the staff here are not going to fall for that ‘bird-shot-in-the-pockets’ gimmick two years in a row. Even these guys are smarter than that. Norman says they have a big surprise waiting for us, Randy.”
“Hey Boo Boo, that is old news my friend, inside informants have already revealed their plan is to have each contestant stripped to T-shirt and panties at the weigh off to eliminate the perception of cheating.”
“So we’re screwed, Randy.”
“Oh, ye of little faith... Listen-up, here is the ‘Sting.’ Because of those two gorgeous racks it is very easy to assume the Webster twins are identical, the untrained eye does wander. I, on the other hand, have kept a level head and made detailed investigations by interviewing their mother, Harriett Johansen. Yes, that Harriett; these twins are a product of her first marriage, a long story for another time and for another bar. The twins are identical except that Katherine is left handed and the runt of the litter, being eight and a half pounds lighter than her older sister. There in lies the rub. We enter Katherine, Norman will record her weight and then during the voting process we cleverly switch the identically dressed sisters, so sweet curvy Edie is on the scale at the final weigh-off. When the umpires investigate there is no smoking gun, no corked bat, no Vaseline, no pine-tar issue, so the run scores and we WIN!
“You know, that sounds like it might almost work, plus I would like to see the curvy one wearing only her panties and a wet T-shirt.”
“That is a touchy issue, William. The girls are not privy to Norman’s integrity clause yet. I have been keeping the little ladies in a need-to-know mode and would like that to stay intact as long as possible to insure our mission’s success.”
“Here come our ‘little’ girls even as I speak. Welcome back, ladies, here’s your drinks, and bottoms up. I believe at this point a little liquid courage is a good thing. Now if you Ladies don’t mind I will ask if you two could discreetly open your raincoats again so together William and I can make a final inspection. Let me see matching flip flops, white rip-away basketball sweats with red piping, two T. Winston INC T-Shirts, one pre-soaked, matching water proof makeup and excuse me, we need to take a very quick peek, yes matching cranberry red satin thongs. I believe we are ready, gals.
“As I have already told you ladies, Norman and his staff here are scallywags of the worst type. Last year they tried to disqualify our entry and steal the prize money from Jerry’s Kids. I am telling you, Norman is a very smooth operator and will try anything he can to get our contestant to walk off before the final weigh-in and the prize money is awarded.
“So if either of you are too shy and do not have the stomach for this tell us now, so I can get another competitor brave enough to stand up to this very bad man and help Jerry’s Kids, because those poor children really need that prize money and I can not predict what evil Norman might try to keep that prize money for himself. If either of you want out just nod your head; if not, then we need to see this plan through come hell or high water so every cent of that prize money goes to help Jerry’s Kids.”
“We can do it!” exclaimed Katherine. Edie nodded agreement.
“Good, cause it’s almost show time, gals.”
A heavy-set man walked onto the small stage and spoke into the microphone. “I would like to introduce myself. I am Stormin' Norman and I own the Cat Box Follies and Adult Review and I am very happy to welcome everyone here tonight celebrating our 2nd Annual Amateur Wet-T Shirt Contest. Could I have all of the contestants to the stage, please?”
Randy whispered, “OK, Katherine you’re up. Edie, we need you to hide, back in the corner, behind William and me until the switch. Break-a-leg Katie, I mean, Edith.”
William objected, “Randy, that is not funny, these guys are very serious about this contest!”
“Shushhhh... Christ, William, can you please whisper, remember little pitchers have big ears... How you doing back there, Edith?
“I’m ready, Randy.”
William whispered into Randy's ear, “Sorry, I forgot. Damn, Randy, when you said that part about Jerry’s Kids, I almost cried. Does it ever bother you, lying to these girls like that?”
“I’m not lying to them. You know my mother’s name is Geraldine, I’m her legitimate child and your have become almost a fixture in her house lately making ‘Little Billy’ virtually an adopted sibling, plus we need that prize money. Now get your game face on, we have work to do.”
Norman said, “As she represents last year's reigning champion, I will ask the T. Winston INC entry to weigh in first this year, if you would kindly step on the scale little girl, thank you. Now could I have your valid photo ID, sweetheart, and thank you? Having confirmed this lovely woman is of legal age, may I introduce Edith Webster to the gallery?”
Booming applause erupting form the gallery.
Norman continued, “I must ask our very pretty Edith to face the scale, please and... Ta Da!
Norman used both hands to grab the waist band of the red and white trousers, ripping Katherine’s sweats off of her legs and tossing them into the crowd, thus exposing the t-junction of her thong and her round posterior and earning both Norman and our own Katherine approving applause from the multitude, before a surprised Katie was able to bring her hands around to cover her bottom for modesty’s sake.
Norman announced, “We will not be needing those during the rest of tonight’s competition, as in the interest of fair play management is requesting all contestants competing this year to wear only T-Shirts and thongs.”
“So it is with great pleasure I must ask the other lovely contestants to kindly remove their pants, too.”
Even more applause.
“While I officially record Miss Webster’s weight; one hundred fourteen and one half pounds!”
William muttered,“That display of slight-of-hand by Stormin' Norman rocked the resolve of Miss Katherine a bit.”
“It sure did. I thought we might be dealing with a ‘walk-off’ , William, but the lady gathered herself and made the catch at the warning track. But that was a close one!” Randy whispered to the hidden girl, “Hey, Edie, you are going to have to lose the sweats dear, so hand them to William for safe keeping, honey.”
Norman spoke again, “Ladies and Gentlemen, after recording the four dry weights of our lovely contestants I am happy to announce we have reached the point in tonight’s events that we have all been waiting for. Now I will ask the bartenders to wet these hot ladies down by spilling the contents of a water pitcher over each of the girl’s chests. Only then will these fine young ladies be allowed to politic for undecided votes among the electorate gathered among you tonight. Gentlemen if you will!
Gigantic smiles ran across the big burly “Cat Box Follies’ bartenders as the water began to flow. The ice cold refrigerated mineral water drew squeals from the contestants throats as fast as it drew their nipples up into rock hard spikes. It was defiantly show time! As the flimsy white cotton tee shirts assumed a transparent quality that grand juries have yet to achieve, the second round of ice cold mineral water showers set the contests jumping as their upper bodies acclimated to the Arctic-like conditions. Such zealous reflex prancing by the frosty women set their frigid breasts a jiggling and in turn ‘stiffened’ the ‘resolve’ of all those watching.
Norman shouted over the squealing. “My final instruction to the ‘candid-dates’ is a quick reminder that official votes are defined as, and I quote “only legal United States coinage, personally collected by participating contestants from the front pockets of Cat Box Follies customers. So ladies, remember to dig deep into those ‘coffers,’ and please keep the ‘gerrymandering’ to a minimum. Al of your collections must be stored in the same pitchers the bartenders used to wet your t-shirts.
Randy cried, “But Norman, that ain’t fair! If any of these lovely ladies shoves her hand deep into my coffer I promise the size of my district will definitely change!
This observation drew nervous giggles form the chilled wet tee shirt contestants.
“That is very funny, Randy, but judging from last year's results if any these lovely ladies were to venture into your pockets all they’d find is bird shot.”
Launching thunderous cheers of agreement from the Cat Box Follies employees!
William fretted,“Randy please! We are working without a net here, big guy, can we NOT insult the natives at this particular time, for Christ’s sake?”
“I could not resist, that Norman is an ass!”
“If there are no more interruptions from the ‘peanut gallery’, then ladies it is time to caucus!” I will see you back up here in exactly fifteen minutes for the final tally, and Good Luck!”
This produced squeals of delighted anticipation from the well-endowed candidates as they exited the stage to begin their bar-wide campaigns. As instructed, Katherine causally worked her way from pocket to pouch in a roundabout course to the trio of T. Winston INC employees. No compartment was left unexplored and every basket was groped while the well qualified candidates instinctively employed very nasty campaigning tactics. In a fashion that even Mayor Daly would envy, contributions were solicited from the deepest folds and corners of the electorate.
The twin’s campaign tactics had been mapped out weeks earlier during mock strategy sessions as Randy and the Webster girls choreographed and rehearsed the switch. The timing and the execution involved flawless precision and the trio’s detailed efforts were to be rewarded as, seemingly in ultra-slow-motion, sweet Katherine approached Randy offering a grandiose right-handed hug and air-kiss at his cheek while holding her ‘campaign kitty’ football style in her left hand. The couple would pirouette, Astaire and Rodgers style, away from the scrutiny of the stage officials. Once hidden from view a practiced left-hand to right-hand exchange of the ‘campaign contributions’ would quickly take place with Edith replacing Katie’s right-handed hug with her own left-handed embrace as Randolph completed the rotation by ending in a very dramatic and stylish dip before lovely Edie was returned to her waiting constituents.
“Damn, Randy, that was smooth!”
“We have been in very extensive rehearsals for some time now.”
“I would have to say so you were, you lucky dog! That was the smoothest swap I have ever seen!”
“Ok, but this is not over yet. You need to get Katherine covered up. Give her the sweat-pants and raincoat before prying eyes catch up with our fancy illusion.”
“Sorry people, I must have got caught up in the production, here you go.”
Katherine donned the proffered garments. “Thank you, William”
Randy instructed, “Katherine, you will find a dry blouse and the lycra binder we talked about in the kangaroo pouch inside of the raincoat. So if you could discreetly make that costume exchange under cover of the raincoat we will be ready for the finale of this passion play.”
Norman announced, “One Minute Warning,,, The contestants have just sixty seconds to return to the sage for the final tally. One minute, Ladies!”
Randy muttered, “Edie is around the clubhouse turn and headed for home.”
William replied, “Down the stretch we get to use the whip, I hope.”
Norman said, “OK, ladies and gentlemen! As you can see , assembled upon the stage here at Cat Box Follies and Adult Review is displayed for your viewing pleasure this year's finalists in the Second Annual Amateur Wet-T Shirt Contest. At this juncture in the proceedings I have just distributed a pair of scissors to each finalists. In our effort to insure total fairness each contestant will be totally nude for the final weighing process. Each contestant is now required to apply the business end of their respective scissors to their remaining costumes! This will eliminate any impression of cheating.”
Approving applause from the multitude erupts.
Randy urged, “Come on Edie, you can do it! Remember poor Jerry’s Kids, dear, and stay strong.”
William commented, “This is a new wrinkle to the contest I had not expected, and I feel safe to assume this just might be a novel idea from Edie’s perspective too?”
Edie stood stunned and shocked with big doe-eyes frozen in the spot light as the other three contestants playfully snipped away at their scant damp fabric until all three were exposed to the audience. Only Edie displayed reluctance as an obvious debate was being waged inside her pretty blonde head.
Norman insisted, “Sweetheart I must insist your start to work with those scissors or withdraw from the stage and this competition.”
Those standing near the stage began a chant: “Edith, Edith, Edith!”
The chanting seemed to bring Edie back from the dream world and ever so slowly she reluctantly went to work snip by sexy snip, reducing the damp T. Winston INC t-shirt to a useless rag. As the remnants of the t-shirt fell from Edie’s shoulders and onto the stage floor near her feet her bouncing rack came bounding into the public domain and the crowd went wild, whistling and clapping their approval as their chant quickly changed. Now it was, “Thong, thong, thong!”
It took only one snip of the scissors and the micro dance wear dropped into an erotic pile of satin spaghetti around Edie’s flip-flops and the little lady was as naked as the day she was born.
William sighed, “Wow, that was a close one!”
Randy smiled, “But well worth the price of admission.”
“The amazing thing that keeps running through my head as I enjoy the view of that sweet piece standing naked before God and country is how the Lord was wise enough not to break the mold.”
“That is a pretty thought, but we must keep our eyes on the ball. Katherine, I hope you have completed your costume change, as I will need that raincoat to cover your sister with after she leaves the stage.”
“I am decent. Here you go Randy.”
“Thank you, dear. Now listen up. Norman is about to announce the winner.”
“Without any further adieu I am happy to announce we have a winner and that winner is... T. Winston INC, who have retained their title with a winning margin of one pound eight ounces. Everyone at the Cat Box Follies and Adult Review would like to EXTEND their appreciation to Edith Webster, as we hand over this check to you as this year’s winner. Would you like to say anything to you adoring fans before I return the stage to this evening’s dancers?”
Edith said, “Yes there is, and I was wondering if I could borrow a pen and your back before I get dressed.”
“Why sure sweetheart, be my guest!” He gave Edith a pen and turned away from her.
Randy exclaimed, “What is this? We did not rehearse any speeches!”
Edith said, “It gives me and all of my co-workers from T. Winston INC here tonight great pride to sign over the winning share from tonight’s contest to the Muscular Dystrophy Foundation, to aid them in their courageous fight. And I would like to challenge the other contestants to do the same.”
William moaned, “No she didn't...aww damn. Randy, was that part of your plan? Was it, Randy, I mean after all that work she just gave the prize money away. I am not OK with that, Randy, I told you we should not have involved the Accounting Department, I never trusted those gals in accounting... Randy are you listening? Randolph! We need to talk!